Been Too Long

So I haven't written in this in almost a year. I feel like I can write this out then it makes me feel better. Um this year has been kind of been okay and not okay. I was with a guy who is with someone else and he will be married in May...I knew it was wrong but I was being selfish because I thought he was nice. We are still friends and everything but I feel like he thinks I am just the person he slept with and is now hurt about it. I mean, I'm not destroyed by it or anything. It does suck. I won't lie about it. I really got the feeling the reason he did what he did was because he wanted to and he was attracted to me too. Then he goes and blames the reason he slept with me on me saying I came on to him first. I mean, I guess in a way I did but he could have said no. I feel things are still a little award around him even though we are friends. I dunno. That was two months ago. Sad thing is...I still wish he was mine sometimes. I'm messed up. Also, started having feelings for a jerk guy that I knew was a jerk but he was being so charming and sweet to me I thought that maybe he had somehow changed. Nope, his ex thinks they're working things out when he has been telling everyone he is single...I know, he is a winner, isn't he? Not. Then a friend basically implies to me I would look better as a redhead. you know what? Screw you. I'm a beautiful person and if you can't accept that then stop talking to me. Jerk. I don't need to change how I look to be amazing.