Trying to improve my self esteem

So, I am getting so tired of being harsh on myself. I keep saying I am not as good of a person as I should be which granted, I think everyone feels like that to some extent but I need to improve my confidence and convince myself that I am a better person than I think I am because I am a better person than I think. So starting today, I'm not saying mean things to myself and think of positive things of myself. I think it will really help me in the end.

Aaron talked to me :)

So I know this is kind of childish but today was the last day of volleyball class and Aaron was there today and I was talking to a few people and he talked to us before he left. I am sad I won't see him like I did next semester. :( I'm silly. I wish there was some kind of chance I had with him but I know it won't happen.

And the job search is looking bad

So far, I haven't had any luck finding a job, it is starting to stress me out. If I don't find a job by December, I am in trouble. I am going to Tumbleweed tonight if it kills me. I am not sure if they are hiring (they probably aren't) but I can at least check. I also have to print off more applications today. Ugh, this stinks.

The search for a job begins

So I feel like I have applied to a hundred places already when really it has only been like 10. However, 10 is still a lot of places. I am so nervous because I picked up an application to Tumbleweed, my crush works there and his girl too. Maybe if for some crazy reason they decide to interview me, I can be put in the back, like so far back I can't even talk to Aaron. That would probably be good. I just don't want to be awkward or have him think I'm trying to steal him when that isn't the case at all. I'm not a horrible person who steals away boyfriends. This weekend I also have to do my English paper...ew. I so don't want to do it. But I guess it needs to get done before I stress out about it.

Insecurity is killing me.

So, the guy I'm crushing on has stopped being as flirty to me. It kinda bums me out and makes me feel ugly. I know that is so childish to say but that's how it makes me feel. I just wish if he was attracted to me, he would somehow let me know. I am not asking him to cheat on his girl but it would be nice to feel pretty. I just wondered what happened to make him stop acting like he did around me. Recently I haven't been feeling very pretty anyway and I have been stressed. Ry won't leave me alone and I feel he doesn't respect my boundaries at all. How is he supposed to get over me when he keeps getting in contact with me? He is upsetting me. Ran made me upset because she says I have been acting like a jerk. I don't think she's right, I mean I have become a smarty pants but not a mean one. She did apologize to me but  I just feel so confused. Ugh.

Awkward week? Awkward week.

So, I know I keep talking about this guy in my volleyball but I'm super attracted to him and it sucks since he is taken. I'm doing my best to forget about him or even the thought of him and me. It just won't happen, I don't understand why I can't accept that. Ugh, maybe I'm just nuts. I dunno. Tomorrow I am doing engagement pics with my bestie and her fiance. I'm ready to kinda get outta the house for a little bit and take a break from studying. I'm going to die this week because I have one test after the other on Tuesday and Wednesday :/ but I will try to be positive :)

The craziness of life

So I got to hang out with my friend, Em last night and we watched an old school R.L. Stine movie that was kind of weird. It was about a kid at school who was being bullied because he enjoyed bugs and science class. He figures out that he can talk to bugs and they understand him so he decides to scare the crap out of this bully at school. All of these roaches appear out of no where and attack the dude until the kid calls them back and the kid purposely steps on a roach and the bugs turn against him and kill him in the end. Creepy and depressing. I need to study more for my test but how does one study for a test when the questions are mostly opinion based? I dunno.

Eh...

So for some reason, I feel like I have been off today. I was a  little upset because I didn't get to speak to the cute guy in my class. I know it would never happen but it is nice to dream. Ironically, we talked about being too absorbed in our imagination that we miss out on reality. But really the conclusion was that you have to have a balance of reality and imagination. For instance, I can daydream about the hot guy and pretend he is dating me but in reality, I know it couldn't happen. I am okay with it, I just think I've been thinking about him a lot since my bf and I broke up two weeks ago. I dunno, I'm kind of pathetic.

Destroying Shakespeare and other stories

So, I am about to annihilate Shakespeare in the sense that I will now complete my homework before I go hang out and exercise with a friend. I got to hang out with Emily the other day which really helped me to kind of take a few minutes and relax. It really helped me not to think of the craziness that's been going on around me. I miss seeing her as much since she got two jobs but hey, I guess that is just life sometimes. I turned in my Student Teacher packet to teach next Fall. It is really weird to do that. now. I just have to get through the Spring semester and hope I can at least pass the last practicum class with a B. Ugh, this is killing me. I just want to graduate. :/

I'm going to see some bulls...wait. what?

So I am hanging out with my friends, Jenelle and Sam tonight or tomorrow to go see a rodeo type thing. I am kind of confused as to what it is really, all I know is that there are bulls. We are kind of secretly looking for Jenelle a guy and of course, I'm not really going to look at guys unless they are cute of course ;). I know I couldn't date someone yet due to me trying to get over my ex. Hey, I guess being friends with guys is always a nice thing and then seeing what happens. Really, not too much has been going on. I have been creeping some people from high school on my Facebook and it amazes me how many people have had kids. Did I miss something? Was I supposed to have kids at an early age? Hm, I guess I missed out. I'm not being smart, I just know I couldn't personally take care of a kid if I was 16. Some people can and that's good. I'm kind of being a slacker right now and delaying my homework until tomorrow, but it will be done.

Randomness of crazy

So, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me and we broke up. Yeah, it really sucks. I wish I could sit here and tell you I have no feelings left for him at all. There is a small part of me that still has feelings for him but I know it would never work. Most of my feelings for him are now feelings of friendship. I know I sound crazy by still wanting to be his friend one day but I forgave him, he just screwed up by thinking he could get revenge on this girl by making her think he still had feelings for her. Screwed up? Yes. No one should ever hurt anyone that much. On the upside, there are two attractive men in my volleyball class that kind of help with the pain. It's nice having eye candy to look at. Just a little hard still. But one of the guys was super nice to me and was telling me about how he and his gf met, it was really sweet. Um, so update from my last post, Uncle Frank passed away...it really upsets me because he was such a sweet man but I guess sometimes it happens, unfortunately :(. I think that's about it really. My friends are really helping me get through this, I dunno what would happen if I didn't have them.

Things are a little hard right now

So I found out my cousin, Laura, was in the hospital with heart issues. The good news is they don't think she has an issue with her heart. It just kind of freaked me out. I'm tired of losing people I care about. Uncle Frank is dying...it is so weird because he was fine last year. I wish I could help him some how but I guess you can't really help someone who has cancer. I met my sister's boyfriend this past week and he seemed pretty cool, a little awkward sometimes but cool. I found out he called my sister and broke up with her and I won't say he broke up with her in a harsh way because I don't think he's a mean person in that sense. She told me he was genuinely upset too. Oh well, she will find someone nicer and she will forget about Craig. I just hate that she's upset. I should just rent some violent movies and buy her coffee. I think that may make her feel better.